just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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