I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
