I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
