Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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