Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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