Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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