why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
