dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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