If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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