come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
