She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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