your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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