fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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