i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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