I only kidnapped one of them. chill
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
