my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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