Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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