I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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