mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
