I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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