i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
