guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
