OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
