Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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