I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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