Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
