Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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