I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
