Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
