from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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