I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
