dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
