I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
