Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
