You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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