So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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