I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
