What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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