she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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