he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There are leaves in my underwear?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
