I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
