Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
