Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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