What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
