Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
