I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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