So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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