nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
being pregnant is like rehab
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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