No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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