Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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