it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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