I can feel you judging me through the phone.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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