Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
