9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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