So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
