my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
