When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
