I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
