I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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