It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
