Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
