We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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