Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Sorry about my life...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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